Rock. Paper. Scissors. Popcorn.

rps poster

Summer movie blockbuster season is beginning, and I’m calling for a movie based on the game Rock Paper Scissors.’ Full-length features based on games isn’t a new thing anymore: you saw the movies based on Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots and Battleship, and you will see Angry Birds, but Rock Paper Scissors is still up for grabs. Yes, there’s a parody video, and of course there was a lame romantic comedy with the same title, but isn’t it time that it gets the full Hollywood blockbuster treatment?

Of course it is. After all, it is probably the world’s second oldest game, the oldest being taking consumers for total suckers. It wouldn’t even have to be a Michael Bay production – it could just be produced by those ad firms who do the toenail fungus and chest congestion adverts. But who would get cast in the role of Rock, or Paper, or Scissors? Here are somesuggestions:


On name alone, Duane Johnson is an obvious fit for the role of Rock. If you’re going for the ability to anchor – I mean, drag a movie down, you’d have to give the nod to Brendan Fraser. And if you were looking for a completely immovable face, Bruce Jenner.


For some comedic relief in the role of Paper, how about the self-confessed “pale” comedian Jim Gaffigan? Or, if you want to take pale and add the paper-like character traits of being flat and suffocating, Robert Pattinson or the Olson twins?


Jackie Chan would be ideal in the scissors role for his ninja-like ability to shred the opposition. Or Sarah Silverman for her cutting wit. If they’re not available, any of the Kardsahians could fill the role, because like scissors, you can always find a cheap pair hanging around when you need to.


1 Comment

Filed under Movies

One response to “Rock. Paper. Scissors. Popcorn.

  1. I read this while sitting in a very quiet restaurant, wound up barking out very loud laughter 4 times! Got looks like I was nuts from every person there! Great idea for movie indeed! Thanks for the laughs!

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