Heavy Metal Meekness

I’m calling bullshit on all heavy metal logos. A band’s logo is ostensibly supposed to be a visual reflection of its music, and as we know, metal music is bold, loud, and aggressive. It’s a nihilistic assertion of the force of will in the face of a brutal world, yada, yada, yada. The problem is that the corresponding logos are about as threatening and subversive as a Mister Softee truck, with their clichéd, paint-by-numbers conformity. They are all total snoozers. Try to stay awake when looking at the gallery below:

The heavy metal logo designer has the easiest job in the world. Let me guess – Old English letters! Angular shapes! How about, hmm… a black and white pallette! We’re gonna make our band really stand out by making it sure the logo looks like every other band! We’re about as angry as a pack of Mentos!

If metal bands had any guts, any cojones whatsoever, they would not need to be enslaved by the tired visual traditions of the genre. Remember that old advertisement about how the jelly was so good that they could afford to call it Smuckers? Well, if your band was really going to destroy me with a lethal maelstrom of pummeling guitars and primal shrieking, you could afford to call yourselves Cobb Salad, and you could even have a logo that had a circle somewhere in it, right? What would you need to be afraid of?

So I’m throwing down the gauntlet. I’ve proposed some new logos for existing bands below. What about it, Slayer? And to all you other death- and speed- and thrash-metal groups out there: if you want to make yourselves even the least bit badass, you’d be wise to adopt these changes right now. Designers, get on it.